he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
