Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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