Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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