no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
