Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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