I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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