My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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