someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
