i already hear my dad disowning me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
