I just threw up on my dentist
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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