If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
