So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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