I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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