I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just invented taco cereal.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I believe in your delicious
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
