I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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