DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
