No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
