I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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