I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
