Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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