I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
