Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
