I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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