I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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