don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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