You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
