I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
