i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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