the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
