I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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