I CAN MOONWALK!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
