His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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