I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
