ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
