I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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