I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
