I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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