Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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