I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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