I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
