Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
