If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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