Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
