All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
