so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
