Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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