didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
