What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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