I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
