What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I looked at my own cervix.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
